You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the "moral fiber" of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the
sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress: "Tootsie"

You answer to: "The Man"

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You'd like to fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert
and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and
chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit ...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks
your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.

You've ever said, "... civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties..."

You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" bumper sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates that..."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You've ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps,
when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

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