Dear Abby:
Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will
not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase
with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your
partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy
him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man
is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess to other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional
and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is
to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't
mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so
he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this
will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If
you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a
nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect
of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a
great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to
perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful
for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy
him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,
do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video
tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease
your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to
talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he need rest.
In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and
the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice
expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he
cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves
you. Return this love by buying him a nice expensive present, and cooking
him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the
mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a
nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating
feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't
forget to cook him a delicious meal.
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