REDMOND, WA--In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire
Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he
will be getting half.
Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft
corporation to the top of the business world and made him America's
richest man with an estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his
plan at a press conference yesterday from his Seattle-area compound.
"I get half," he explained.
It has not yet been decided if Gates' half will be taken straight down
the middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital.
The question will be settled later this week by a special session of
Gates' half of the U.S. Congress.
"Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half,"
Gates instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several
million 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout
the globe. "I don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who
are not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates'
half.
Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully
monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal
possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.
In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates
announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to
$14 billion, and may even insist that offenders themselves be included
in his half.
"Don't take from my half," the 36-year-old Gates said. "Ice cream and
cool cars are part of my half." Gates also expressed interest in
possessing Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.
"You know, I own the Bettman Archive," Gates said. "You can't look at
it unless I say so."
Gates' half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly
into Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it
automatically sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from
their half.
Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned
DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of
Windows 95 will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once
in the bloodstream, the Windows program is designed to breed virally
at the base of its host brainstem and to begin work on calculating
Gates' half.
"Everyone must contribute to my half," Gates said. "Any number, no
matter how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be
mine."
Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his
share from a mere half to a controlling interest.
Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates
might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half
of the world.
"The transitional period may be difficult," Gates said. "But it will be
quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half
of people's minds that remain their own."
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