by Dave Barry (from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a
little printed box that explains what kind of computer
system you need to run the software. It should look
something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your
computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.
This will contain detailed instructions on installing,
operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it
away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form
of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located
inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user
hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and
conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the
U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the
Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other
terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software
Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including
the right to come to the user's home and examine the
user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear
drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's
early light, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the
Holy Ghost, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've
been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and
say, "(Name of child), please install this on my
comptuer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the
software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press
the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises* for a
while, after which the following message should appear on
your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to
see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is
it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding
and whirring for a very long time while the installation
program does God knows what in there. Some installation
programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into
an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the
very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your
hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious
files with names like "puree,exe," "fester.dat," and
"doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your
screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to
do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now
attempt to run your software. If you experience any
problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you
should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your comptuer system should become
less functional than the federal government, refusing to
respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number
listed on the package and wait on the line for a
representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through
12.
--
"Even Life is just a temporary assignment!"
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