Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
Bite-the-bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet,
camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform
surgery on herself in the outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay
scales for women as compared to men. Waitress outfits and
cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who
are holding down second jobs to make ends meet.
Our Barbie Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside
and out comes with spreadable legs her own speculum, magnifying
glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can
learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also
included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories
such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at
various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional,
underscoring that each young woman has the right to choose what
she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for
doorway of Barbie townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in a midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
Jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
Attitude. Pull cord, and she says things like, "I don't think so," "Dang,
get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit
from men and condescending white people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G. I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
Walking machine! After falling over, she says, "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!".
Q. Why hasn't Barbie gotten pregnant yet?
A. Because Ken comes in a different box.
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